The First Year of Marriage: Managing the In-laws and Setting Boundaries with Love

The first year of marriage is often described as a whirlwind of love, discovery, and building a life together. But amid the excitement of blending two lives together, there’s one challenge that can test even the strongest of bonds: managing the in-laws.

We’ve all seen movies that make light of the overly involved in-laws who seem to have an opinion on everything from your home décor to your dinner plans. But the reality is, this relatable and humorous plotline is no laughing matter when the in-law’s involvement in your marriage becomes an unexpected layer of complexity and tension to your newlywed bliss.

What can go wrong when the in-laws get overly involved? Unfortunately, a lot. Let’s look at some common scenarios and learn how to navigate them with humor, grace, and maybe a decaf caramel macchiato.

The Unannounced Visits

You’re enjoying a quiet Saturday morning, sipping coffee in your pajamas, when suddenly – ding-dong! Your in-laws arrive at the door with a dozen bagels and a desire to “spend time together.” While their intentions are sweet, the lack of notice can be jarring, especially if you were planning a lazy day or had other plans.

How to Handle It

Set boundaries early on in your relationship but do so with kindness. Let them know how much you appreciate their visits but that you’d love a heads-up beforehand to make sure you’re available to enjoy their company. You might say, “We love spending time with you! Can we plan a get-together next weekend so we can make sure we’re ready to host properly?”

Try to show compassion for your in-laws. It’s likely they have good intentions and just want to be a part of your lives. They may feel a sense of loss as their child has moved onto another stage of life, or they may be lonely and dealing with their own feelings of aging or losing control.

As Christians, we are called to show compassion and understanding to others, but that does not mean that you can’t create healthy boundaries and communicate them with love.

The Unsolicited Advice

Whether it’s about how to cook your spouse’s favorite meal, when to start having kids, or how to fold laundry, unsolicited advice from in-laws can feel like an invasion of your privacy and come across as controlling. While it’s often well-meaning, it can also feel overwhelming, especially when you’re still figuring things out as a couple.

How to Handle It

Humor can go a long way. Thank them for their advice and let them know you’ll consider it. You still have the right to do things your own way, but it’s wise to consider the advice given to you by people who have lived life a little longer than you have.

A polite way to respond is, “Thanks for the tip! We’re still figuring out our own routine, but we’ll keep that in mind.” If the advice becomes too frequent, have a gentle conversation about how you and your spouse are working together to find what works best for you.

Remember that humility is a cornerstone of Christianity. While unsolicited advice can be annoying, ask yourself whether you are modeling humility in this situation.

Are you offended because you feel as if you already know everything you need to know? If this is the case, remind yourself that true wisdom is knowing that you still have a lot to learn. True wisdom, as Proverbs 11:2 suggests, lies in recognizing that “with humility comes wisdom.” Embrace the opportunity to learn and grow, even when it is from unexpected sources.

Seeking Christian Counseling

If the relationship with your in-laws becomes too challenging, it might be wise to seek the guidance of a Christian therapist or couple’s therapist. A Christian therapist can provide biblically based advice, helping you and your spouse set boundaries that honor your marriage and your faith. Therapy can offer a safe place to express your feelings, gain insights, and develop strategies for maintaining a loving balanced relationship with your in-laws.

It’s Worth It!

Setting boundaries with the in-laws during the first year of marriage doesn’t have to be a daunting task. With clear communication and a compassionate approach, you can overcome these challenges while maintaining a loving relationship with your extended family.

By addressing potential issues early on, you can create a strong foundation for a harmonious marriage that includes your in-laws as valued, but appropriately involved, members of your life. To learn more about how a counselor can help, contact our office today.