Codependency: Problems and Power Struggles

Codependency is a common problem that can be hard to spot on your own. The codependent person has too much dependence on another person, though they may be high functioning themselves. Problems can develop over time as the relationship becomes more imbalanced. But when the power is balanced between two people, there is hope for recovery.

Since codependency can be difficult to see, it’s helpful to get a third-party viewpoint from a caring counselor. The counselor’s objective stance can help you identify your problems so you can work toward biblical solutions.

Power Struggles in Codependency

Every codependent relationship suffers from a power struggle. It’s challenging to get out of these power imbalances on your own. However, a counselor can help you see signs of codependency issues like these in your relationships.

• One person does most of the taking while the other does most of the giving, and the giver is resentful of this imbalance.
• The codependent feels that their purpose in life is defined by what they contribute to the relationship.
• The codependent finds it hard to say no even when a no answer is appropriate.
• The codependent makes excuses for the other person’s negative behavior and might even take responsibility for it.
• One person may feel trapped in a relationship while the other may feel smothered.
• The codependent may be overly concerned about the other person to the neglect of his or her own needs.
• The codependent has an inflated view of the other person and puts a great deal of estimation into what the other person thinks of them.

One or more of these characteristics may indicate a problem with codependency. Though these problems are often deeply rooted, they can be treated with the guidance and wisdom of a Christian counselor. If you struggle with codependency, they can help you learn new ways of relating to others.

Am I Codependent or Healthy?

Often, good-hearted people are codependent without realizing it. Their godly, caring acts are offered in love to God and others. They take pleasure in helping others and meeting others’ needs even while putting their own needs to the side. Many codependent people are naturally kindhearted, giving, and selfless. However, unhealthy people will often take advantage of their best qualities, which can cause heartache in relationships.

Galatians 6:2 tells us to share one another’s burdens out of obedience to God. When this is done out of love to God and others, we are fulfilling the law of Christ, and codependency does not enter the picture.

An Example of Codependency

It may be helpful to examine an example of codependency vs. a healthy relationship. Codependency looks like a couple allowing their able-bodied 26-year-old son to continue living at home, rent-free, without a job. When they confront their child about this lifestyle, he manipulates them with guilt and accusations. The couple then backs down due to a fear of conflict.

By contrast, a couple may allow their recently divorced 26-year-old son to move back home for a defined period, so the child can recover financially before getting his own place. The son agrees to hold a job and pay for his own groceries and gas during the mutually agreed upon period. In this way, the couple is lifting their son’s burdens while preserving healthy boundaries.

As you can see in this example, a healthy relationship does not create power imbalances or unnecessary burdens. It will not cost you self-respect or promote addiction like in a codependent relationship. You can learn how to put your relationship on a healthy footing with the guidance of a Christian counselor.

The Roots of Codependency

Many people who have natural tendencies toward sweetness, kindness, and goodness and are also afraid of conflict can set themselves up for codependent relationships. Parents who fail to properly help their children mature can set them up for codependency as adults since they may never have learned to make their own decisions as they transitioned into adulthood.

You may tend toward codependency in your relationships now because your parents did not show consistent and trustworthy care. You may not have learned to bond with others in healthy ways. In times of stress, you may exhibit neediness or clinging tendencies since you are subconsciously trying to fill voids of love that your parents left in you.

Many codependent children may have found it easier to deny their God-given needs and focused on fulfilling a dysfunctional parent’s needs instead. Long-standing patterns formed in childhood can cause you to function poorly in your relationships today. You may find that you gravitate toward adults who demand more than is proper in meeting their needs.

Perhaps you are frustrated with your codependent relationship, but you don’t know what to do to make things right. It’s important to recognize the signs of codependency and reach out for help in finding new ways to relate. A Christian counselor will walk alongside you as you form new patterns of behavior and strengthen your core values.

Codependency Problems

Codependent people have acclimated themselves to managing enormous amounts of pressure, both internal and external. The pressures you face can cause you to resist all types of conflict and take too many responsibilities onto yourself.

However, these pressures take a toll on your physical and mental health. The pressure can lead to physical symptoms like irregular heartbeats, lack of concentration, short-term memory loss, insomnia, immune system disorders, gastrointestinal problems, and many other issues that can negatively impact your quality of life.

Emotionally, you may experience feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, depression, or anger, stemming from your codependent relationship. If these feelings ever become overwhelming, you may employ unhealthy coping behaviors, including overeating, substance abuse, workaholism, overspending, and other destructive behaviors. When you are trapped in a cycle of co-dependency, your self-esteem will suffer.

Just one codependent relationship in your life can harm your other relationships. For example, a codependent husband may be so obsessed with meeting his wife’s needs that the quality of his work suffers and his relationships with coworkers become strained.

By learning how to address problems in one codependent relationship, all your other relationships will benefit. Your counselor will help you recognize your worth in God’s eyes. You’ll also learn to identify your values, set new boundaries, prioritize your own needs, and get your needs met in healthy ways. As you are set free from codependency, your quality of life will improve.

Help for Codependency

Though codependency is complex, it is a solvable problem. You can find the tools you need to address it with the help of a counselor. In therapy, you’ll gain skills to become more assertive through addressing mindsets, unpacking issues from the past, and role-playing. A new set of healthy behaviors is just waiting to be discovered and employed.

Our counseling staff has helped many people recover from the complex problem of codependency. We are here to help you break free from destructive patterns and choose the abundant life God has in store for you. We can teach you new ways of relating to others so your kindness, selflessness, and love will flow in healthier directions.