7 Toxic Traits in a Relationship

What does it take to have a healthy relationship – devoid of toxic traits – in which the people in it feel loved for who they are, and are given room to grow and express who God made them to be?

People crave meaningful relationships, but this is far from simple to achieve because we bring our complicated histories, expectations, and weaknesses into our relationships. To have a healthy relationship thus requires the people in it to have a mature self-awareness, be capable of growth and change, and be willing to forgive the other from the heart.

Though you may be in a toxic relationship, you may not be aware that the relationship has a toxic traits. Certain ways of relating to others may seem normal to you, and you may not even consider questioning those ways of thinking and being, or whether they’re good for you because they are part of a long-established pattern.

On the other hand, the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship may be a recent development or one that exists in a particular relationship, such as with your spouse, children, or colleagues. Pinpointing these behaviors is the first step toward moving the relationship in a healthy direction.

Toxic Traits to Watch for in a Relationship

Constant conflict

People argue. We have different outlooks on life – a wide variety of personalities, interests, expectations, desires, gifts, and capacities. Our differences don’t have to divide us, and our similarities should unite us, but it happens often enough that difference creates distance, and our similarities can cause friction. Two people in a relationship may want the same thing, but because they see different paths to get there, that can be a cause of conflict.

Conflict in a relationship isn’t a bad thing. It allows people to clarify their expectations, helps them to learn to communicate their perspective more clearly, and it generates a deeper understanding and insight into the other person as you move toward a meaningful resolution of the issue. Handled with maturity and guided by the desire to help the relationship flourish, conflict is a part of any healthy relationship.

Constant conflict, however, is a sign of serious issues in the relationship, whether it’s constant conflict about different things or constant conflict about the same issues. Conflict in which character assassination, name-calling, or verbal abuse occurs is also a toxic situation that will undermine a relationship’s health and wellbeing.

Verbal and emotional abuse

How we use our words matters. Scripture reminds us often of this, saying for instance that “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18, NIV), or urging, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29, NIV). Our words can build others up, but they can also tear them down.

Verbal and emotional abuse can take different forms, such as insults, making jokes at another person’s expense, calling them names, humiliating them in front of others, calling their sanity or memory into question as a form of control and domination (gaslighting), and constantly upbraiding them.

Verbal abuse happens in marriages, between a parent and their child, between a caregiver and their charge, between friends or colleagues, and in other relationships as well. It has the effect of undermining the self-esteem, and emotional and mental well-being of the person being abused, and it can create long-term damage.

Uncontrolled anger

Everyone gets angry at some point in their lives. Anger is a natural reaction to situations where we feel threatened, overlooked, or treated unfairly. If anger is expressed in a calm, assertive, and clear manner, that’s healthy and good for everyone in the equation. However, if anger is suppressed or expressed as an angry outburst, that can be harmful to the people involved.

Uncontrolled anger can be verbal abuse, or it can be experienced as a physical threat. One person may express their uncontrolled anger through shouting, cursing, or making threats of violence against themselves or others. Another person may express their uncontrolled anger by hurling objects, punching a wall, kicking a chair, and slamming doors. Uncontrolled anger can also be expressed as violence toward others.

Anger alerts us that something isn’t right in our world, and it can spur us toward seeking solutions to the problem. How one deals with anger makes all the difference in the world, and it’s important to recognize that anger can be controlled, and we are responsible for our words and actions committed in anger. Uncontrolled anger is damaging to persons and relationships.

Leaving issues unaddressed

Just as conflict that is constant, denigrates others, and leaves emotional damage in its wake is problematic, avoiding conflict can also be a toxic trait in a relationship. Leaving issues unaddressed and avoiding conflict can be a precursor to resentment in the relationship.

It also points to other potential issues in the relationship such as codependency or abandonment issues. Fear of abandonment may lead a person to avoid conflict because it may end the relationship, so they don’t mention issues of contention, sublimating their feelings and concerns.

If you don’t talk about things that bother you in a relationship, they won’t just magically disappear. Instead, they will likely fester beneath the surface, and every time they crop up again, it’ll chafe you as you put it aside and don’t talk about it, again.

In time, what will probably happen is that resentment will develop and hinder the relationship. This will make communication difficult, and you’ll read each other through the lens of distrust and anger, which makes any relationship much harder to sustain.

Criticism is second nature to you

One of the benefits we get from being in close relationship with others is that they can call us out and hold us accountable. We need people around us that can knock us down a peg or two when necessary because we can be proud or lose touch with reality.

The Bible reminds us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17, NIV), and “A scoffer does not like to be reproved; he will not go to the wise” (Proverbs 15:12, ESV). It’s not a bad thing to be challenged, and we ought to welcome critique and rebuke because that is one of the ways God has appointed for us to become better people.

On the other side of that is when criticism is the dominant note in the relationship, and interactions revolve around what you’re doing wrong, what you could be doing better, or why you’re a mess. When criticism is second nature to you in the relationship, this dynamic is toxic, whether it’s one-sided or part of an ongoing mutual exchange. This criticism can be about clothing, weight, career choices, relationships, and much else.

You don’t have each other’s back

Healthy relationships support the people in them as each party is nurtured and given the support and encouragement they need. No relationship has an exact 50-50 split in everything, because people are different, and what they bring to a relationship as well as what they need won’t be the same. The point, however, is that in a healthy relationship there is mutual support, encouragement, and effort applied to make the relationship work.

A relationship where the people that are part of it are only in it for themselves are willing to break confidences when it suits them, and generally don’t have each other’s backs, betrays a toxic dynamic of selfishness that’s a death knell to any relationship.

Manipulation

Lastly, a relationship between two people allows them to be vulnerable with each other. Trust might be implied in the relationship, such as between a parent and child. Through shared experiences that foster trust, the relationship deepens as emotional bonds are formed and strengthened. Taking someone’s trust and twisting it by manipulating them to get what you want is a deep betrayal of the relationship.

Getting Help to Overcome a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship undermines the well-being of the people in that relationship. God designed us to have meaningful relationships that build us up and that form part of our flourishing as beings made in His image. A relationship with toxic traits can be redeemed, and a healthy dynamic established.

With the help of a counselor, you can understand the root of toxic traits within your relationship and begin developing healthy patterns of relating to one another. A trained mental health professional understands the intricate dynamics of relationships, and they can provide you with tools to handle conflict, manage anger effectively, and handle situations with emotional intelligence.

Undoing the toxic traits in a relationship takes work; work to unlearn unhealthy patterns, and to learn new ways of thinking and doing life with others. But it’s possible to turn things around for the better. If your relationships are marked by toxic patterns of thought and behavior, don’t hesitate to approach a counselor, and make an appointment for individual or couples counseling that will help you overcome your struggles.